优秀是这样训练出来的
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出版社:世界知识
出版日期:2011-10
ISBN:9787501241347
作者:(美)迈克尔·珀尔//黛比·珀尔
页数:193页
章节摘录
版权页：看到弟弟孤单地在妈妈身边，哥哥开始后悔了。他把卡车从沙堆中拿出来，走进屋里笑着找弟弟和解，弟弟看到卡车高兴地接受了。这时，妈妈看到沾满沙子的卡车放在地板上，尖叫道：“快把它拿出去！”妈妈这时正全神贯注地做自己的事，完全没有想到孩子们此时复杂的情感变化。她只担心孩子弄脏了地板，她又要多一样清洁地板的工作了。这时，孩子的心理发生了变化。哥哥对自己刚才的自私已经悔改，他觉得弟弟的感受比他得到卡车自己玩更重要。他同时也学会了一个重要的功课：施与受的关系。哥哥学会了分享和自制，他的心变得柔软而敏感，所以他以笑脸来对待弟弟。但是，他受到了打击，妈妈不在乎他这样做。他本来愿意缴械投降——送卡车给弟弟玩（放弃自己的错误），现在只想重新拿起冲锋枪扫射——独占自己的玩具（强化自己的错误行为）。如果父母不希望孩子这样，就必须重视孩子这样的行为，如果父母只会傻傻地站在一边发笑，用不了多久孩子的叛逆就会爆发。孩子不会明白妈妈为什么发脾气，谁会在意地板上那一点儿沙子？他已经一上午都在玩沙子，他喜欢沙子！当他看到妈妈那张惊恐的脸，你可以想象这个小家伙都快要精神错乱了。孩子的笑脸立刻被恐惧所取代，然后开始疑惑，最后交成反抗。在孩子的脸上，我看到叛逆开始萌发。孩子知道了，地板上的沙子会使妈妈生气，他要向妈妈发起挑战。他举起卡车重重地扔向地板。然后他感觉满足了，因为他成功地报复了妈妈，心里好像在说：看看她涨红的脸，我要给她一个教训，让她从此不敢再反对我。这一次我赢定了！这位妈妈不仅失去了接受叛逆儿子悔改的机会，而且因自己忽视了孩子的文明行为，使得孩子对她已建立起的权威产生了蔑视。正如那些造反的人，他们对未来并没有什么计划，他们之所以造反，是因为他们感觉没有受到公正待遇，他们憎恨掌权者，希望掌权者为自己遭受的不公正待遇受到惩罚。你是不是认为孩子的感觉太戏剧化了，难道孩子心里真是这么想的吗？可以肯定地告诉你，这个3岁孩子的行为证明了叛逆的种子已经在他幼小的心里种下了。如果父母不改变自己，等到孩子十几岁时，父母就会无可奈何地抱怨道：“我真不明白这孩子，我们已经教了他许多对与错的道理，经常带他去教会，尽量满足他的需要，但他总是和我们作对。我们已经尽了力，没有办法了，交给上帝吧！”这位妈妈在尊重孩子方面没有建立起联系的“纽带”。在孩子3岁时种下的这颗叛逆的种子，到14岁时会结出可怕的果实。修复断裂的“纽带”父母与孩子出现问题时，你们应该知道你们并不孤独，因为你们的孩子此时也正处于问题的中心。如果想帮助孩子解决问题，父母就必须在生活中做到公正。
媒体关注与评论
良好的教养不是危机出现时的应急举措，而是在不得不管教的状况发生之前有条不紊、心情愉快的训练。三千年多前，圣经的箴言说：“教养孩童，使他走当行的路，就是到老也不偏离。”这道理做父母的似乎都懂，可一遇到问题就茫然不知所措，于是血气战胜了理智，愤怒、压制淹没了克制、倾听，所以，很多家庭管教孩子都是出现问题时才“亡羊补牢”，缺少的是防忠于未然的系统训练。试想用这样的方式建造房屋会是什么结果？我们不需要重新发明管教的方法，这个世界也从来不缺乏技巧和方法，但真正的管教原则与方法是喜乐、平安的。没有防患于未然的管教，就相当于把孩子推上没有指南针的航船，让他们在扑面而来的选择与纷繁复杂的情感中迷失方向。这是我读过的最令人难以置信的改变生命的书。我家从前就像一个战场，孩子们互不相让，现在家里充满了和平与喜乐，孩子们很喜欢彼此共处的时间，而且我和丈夫的关系也从来没有这么好过。 ——六个孩子的母亲
后记
管教与训练的奖赏 在开始翻译《优秀是这样训练出来的》之前，我先通读了一遍本书的英文版，很喜欢作者的写作口吻——坚定、没有商量的余地。因为他在告诉我们真理：别无它法，在孩子小的时候一定要管教、训练他们。是真理就没有商量的余地，就不能打折扣。 我对此也有亲身体会。 我和丈夫都是在严厉的家庭中长大，自然从小就常被父母管教。因为顽皮的缘故，也常常挨打。长大后我们也深感处于那样的家庭环境下，总有一利，不自南的感觉。我们决定，对于我们的儿子，不打算动一下手指头。直到三岁半以前，我们从没打过孩子，对他不守规矩的举动最多只是温和地说声“NO”。我们像国内的许多家长一样，尽量满足孩子的要求，时常放下自己手头的事，只要孩子需要马上陪着他一起玩。在孩子三岁以前，每逢星期日去教会，我从来不能完整地听牧师讲道，因为孩子坐不住，我也只好随着他跑来跑去。虽然很辛苦，但我总觉得不能像父辈那样给孩子心灵留下阴影，随他去吧，长大自然就好了。 直到我们因为一些原因换了一所教会，我才改变了许多育儿的观念。新教会地方很小，没有专门的主日学教室。令我惊讶的是，星期天所有的孩子都和大人一起听牧师讲道，没有乱哄哄地走来走去的，在牧师讲道的近一个小时里，孩子和大人一样安静，无论是出生才几个月抱在妈妈怀里的婴儿，还是上幼儿园的早已会到处跑的孩子。我非常惊讶，不知道这些孩子是怎样训练有素的。 一天，副主任牧师来我们家探访，问我们：“你们打过孩子吗？”我们听后很愕然，从没有牧师问过我们这个问题。我们的回答当然是“我们从不打孩子。”没过多久，牧师竟然亲自示范，告诉我们在打孩子屁股时应该用怎样的语调、语气来对孩子说话。这是我们的文化中从来没有过的。我们只记得小时候受惩罚时，父母总是怒目相向，怒言以对。孩子心中只觉得害怕，那阵式感觉天都要塌下来了，知道挨打肯定是逃不掉了，幼小的心灵根本没时间懊悔，只能任凭父母发泄他们的不满。我们从没有看见过哪家父母在打孩子屁股时还是和颜悦色、不愠不怒、摆事实讲道理，告诉孩子做错事要有后果，打屁股是应该的，因为没有听父母的话。 回到家后，我们如法炮制，先为孩子制定了几条简单的规矩，总的原则是：做错事是难免的，父母不会说什么，但是爸爸妈妈说过不要做却去做的事是一定要管教的。开始的时候每天管教的频率会频繁一些，后来孩子渐渐知道规矩了，我们也就轻松多了，星期天我们居然也能很好的听道了，孩子坐在我们身边也非常安静。作为母亲，我有时也会很心疼孩子的小屁股，第一次打孩子的时候，我一整天心中都很难过，但是看到管教后的效果，我心中感到极大的平安。我的孩子五岁半就上小学了，这个年龄的男孩正是很难坐住的时候，但他很快就适应了课堂的规则。 管教的过程中我也有过犹豫：孩子会不会被管得太死板了？会不会毁了他的创造力？看了本书后，我不再犹豫，信心更加坚定。作者非常清楚如何将圣经的原则运用于生活中，这正是中国大多数第一代基督徒所缺乏的，当然对于那些动不动就以物质来满足孩子的家长也大有裨益。正如书中所说，有时候我们太过于在乎自己的肉体、自己的感受，竟然会忘记神对于“爱”的真正定义：爱是不求自己的益处。如果我们真的爱我们的孩子，就按照圣经的方式管教训练他们吧！ 当我看到经过训练的孩子们，在父母要出门登机时，爸爸一声呼唤：“让我们来为这次旅行做个祷告吧！”立刻，从正在玩耍的一岁多的孩子到正在专心画画的四岁的孩子，无一不放下手头的事情，奔向爸爸的怀抱，闭上小眼睛，安静地听爸爸向上帝祈祷旅途的平安。这时，我仿佛看到了有一天当天父呼召他们的时候，他们都会甘心乐意的回应天父的呼召，成为神国的精兵。 张沁 2011年8月于北京
内容概要
迈克尔·珀尔
是“大喜乐”机构的创始人，他和妻子黛比也是美国家庭学校运动的先驱。作为一对结婚逾43载的夫妇，他们育有5个孩子，都已快乐长大，结婚生子，孙辈数量达18人，而且规模还在不断扩大。
迈克尔和黛比多年潜心研究教养孩童及家庭关系问题，致力于婚姻家庭问题的辅导事工，用从上帝那里领受到的特殊智慧，帮助和祝福了无数家庭，挽救了无数婚姻。数十万父母读过他们的书，并将其中的原则付诸实践，见证了改变生命的经验。成千上万的年轻夫妇写信给珀尔夫妇表示感谢，他们从自己的父母那里接受了“珀尔方法”的训练，现在他们也在使用这些原则教养自己的孩子。
迈克尔与黛比一起合著有《小鬼跷家》、《优秀是这样训练出来的》(To Train up a child)，其中《优秀是这样训练出来的》以多种语言出版，销量近660000册。黛比所著的《妻子，荣耀的帮助者》，一经出版，广受欢迎，销量近400000册。
书籍目录
前言
教养孩子
关于“打”孩子
顺服的训练
训练不是管束
营造训练环境
极端的管教方式
对父母的忠告
消极的训练
孩子的天性
自我中心意识
一个属灵的胎儿
父母的使命
父母的怒气
没有更多的改变
不让怒气控制你
情感的“纽带”
纸制的“心”
斩断的“纽带”
3岁的卡车司机
修复断裂的“纽带”
做个好父亲吧！
我现在该做什么
“行在父的光中”
你能够建立“纽带”
关于管教
什么是真正爱孩子
神责打他的儿子
孩子的真正需要
罪疚感和厌恶自己
“赦罪”的权柄
安慰的杖
今晚有一个奇迹
神奇的魔杖
是杖，不是在角落罚站
管教的原则与时机
关于“杖”的教导
敬畏之心
明白恩典
尽父母的本分
爱的方法
骂孩子不是管教
“这是我最后一次警告你”
顺服管教
我不得不听你的话
允许孩子有时悖逆
得祝福的妈妈满有怜悯
管教训练范例
激烈交锋——小强尼学会顺服
小狐狸摘葡萄——三岁看老
我没有时间——莫忘做父母的首要责任
睡前的管教——安安静静躺下
管教孩子的榜样——3岁小“妈妈”
“乞丐”理论——吵闹的小乌没食吃
艰难的路——两小时训练一个“全新”儿子
……
编辑推荐
《优秀是这样训练出来的》：我听见我的儿女们按真理而行，我的喜乐就没有比这个大的。
作者简介
《优秀是这样训练出来的》中教养孩子大量的事例都是我们身边的朋友分享的，如果不是朋友们大胆地将这些家庭的秘密告诉我们，就不会有《优秀是这样训练出来的》的出版。出版《优秀是这样训练出来的》的目的，就是要让所有的父母知道训练孩子的秘诀，让所有的孩子知道父母教养他们所付出的辛劳与意义，从而学会感恩。
在这里，我要对所有名叫强尼的孩子说声抱歉，用这个名字是为了隐去其他孩子的真实姓名。
图书封面
发布书评
精彩书评 (总计5条)
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(How Not) To Train Up a ChildBy Tim Challieshttp://www.challies.com/book-reviews/how-not-to-train-up-a-childhttp://www.challies.com/book-reviews/how-not-to-train-up-a-child-part-2Part IWhat if I told you that there is a parenting technique you can follow that will give you "a renewed vision for your family--no more raised voices, no contention, no bad attitudes, fewer spankings, a cheerful atmosphere in the home, and total obedience from your children?" And what if I told you that this technique "always works with every child?" And what if I added that this technique comes with God's own seal of approval because it is "the same technique God uses to train His children?" Such are the claims of Michael Pearl in To Train Up a Child, a book that is well on its way to selling its one millionth copy.Let me tell you why I am reviewing this book. After I recently wrote a two-part review of Debi Pearl's Created To Be His Help Meet (http://www.challies.com/book-reviews/created-to-be-his-help-meet) I received repeated requests to take a look at To Train Up A Child, written by her husband Michael. The people who wrote to me told me of the impact the book has had on their lives and on their churches. They also told me how many copies it had sold and how many are in the hands of people who read this web site. In light of all of this, I determined that it would be wise for me to have some knowledge of it.As I read the book, I found it a fascinating illustration of the reality that what we believe will necessarily impact what we do and how we do it. In this case, it shows that what we believe to be true about children will inevitably shape the way we “train them up.” It concerned me to see that many people follow Michael Pearl’s technique even though they believe very different things from what he believes. It is for these people in particular that I write my review. I write it not to condemn you, but to provoke you to consider what Pearl really believes about children and how this has shaped his book and your children.There are several key claims and teachings of this book that merit a closer look. I will move through them in what I hope is a logical and helpful way. Today I will do some background work and tomorrow I will try to bring it all to a helpful conclusion.Training Versus DisciplineCritical to the book is a distinction between training and discipline. The book's title and purpose are derived from the well-known words of Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Pearl explains the importance and context of this word train: "Train up--not beat up. Train up--not discipline up. Train up--not educate up. Train up--not 'positive affirmation' up." Training is the most often missed element in child rearing. A child needs more than 'obedience training,' but without first training him, discipline is insufficient.”This is not a book about the reactive discipline of disobedient children, though this is present as a related, secondary theme. Rather, it is a book about a kind of proactive training that heads off disobedience and thus negates the need for discipline. Pearl says, "Training is not discipline. Discipline is the 'damage control' part of training, but is insufficient in itself to effect proper behavior."What is this training? Before I answer that question, let me tell you what the training is not. Pearl's training is not moral or spiritual, which means he believes that the mandate of Proverbs 22:6 is not fulfilled by instructing your children in Biblical truths. In the book's opening pages he writes, "we are not talking about producing godly children, just happy and obedient children. The principles for training young children to instantly obey can be applied by non-Christians as well as Christians." Training in godliness will come later in a child's life and is outside the scope of the training he teaches here. This training is applied to children between birth and approximately twelve years of age and can be done by Christians and non-Christians alike.What, then, does he mean by training? According to Pearl, "Training is the conditioning of the children's mind before the crisis arises. It is preparation for future, instant, unquestioning obedience." His training uses a technique that "always works with every child" by conditioning the child's mind so he will respond to any authority with instant, unquestioning, heartfelt obedience. This, he says, is "normal in the well-trained family." To get to that point, a parent must create a training ground and "reward every transgression with a switching [discipline that involves striking a child with a switch or belt or other object]." The switching will continue until the child has demonstrated complete obedience and submission to the will of the parent in both action and attitude.Pearl’s training is proactive and his discipline is reactive; training involves conditioning an ignorant child while discipline involves punishing a deliberately disobedient child. It will take just a few hours or a few days to train a child in some new area (going to bed without crying or not grabbing at his father’s glasses) and after training is complete, that behavior will now have to be met with discipline.Training may come about in a couple of different ways. The first is when parents deliberately create situations in which a child has the opportunity to obey or disobey. These are situations or tasks that have no purpose other than training. Pearl suggests a typical scenario in which a parent will place an appealing object within reach of a child of twelve months and tell him "No, don't touch that." If he touches it, the parent should "switch their hand once and simultaneously say, 'No.'" This is to be repeated, perhaps with an increasing number of switches, until the child obeys. Pearl offers this clarification: "Remember, now, you are not disciplining, you are training." The particulars of a training situation will vary by family and context, but what is consistent is that parents will deliberately manufacture a situation in which they will forbid the child from touching or taking something desirable. As the child succeeds by doing the will of his parents or fails by doing his own will, he will face either good or painful consequences.The second form of training involves situations in which a child has not acted in deliberate rebellion but may have still done something that is antisocial or otherwise inappropriate. Here is one of Pearl's examples: "One particularly painful experience of nursing mothers is the biting baby. My wife did not waste time finding a cure. When the baby bit, she pulled its hair (an alternative has to be sought for bald-headed babies)." Again he says, "Understand, the baby is not being punished, just conditioned." Other examples include switching a toddler who drops food from his high chair or an infant who cries when being put to bed.In either training situation, the child's transgression of a parent's command or a societal convention brings some form of physical consequence that will be repeated until the child does what the parents have commanded and until he does it in the manner and with the attitude they demand. Pearl insists that this is the neglected key to child-raising--proactively training children rather than only reactively disciplining them.Concerns With Pearl’s TrainingI want to make several comments about this form of training.First, this distinction between training and discipline seems too-fine a distinction to me and one that relies on mere semantics. To inflict pain upon a child who transgresses the will of the parent is to discipline or punish him, no matter what term the parent prefers. The main difference I see between Pearl's training and discipline is one of agency: training involves the parent deliberately creating a situation in which he will proactively take a switch to his child whereas discipline involves the child creating a situation in which his father will reactively take a switch to him. In either case, let’s just face the truth that the child is being disciplined; he is being punished.Second, I would caution any parent about consistently creating training grounds which will guarantee, or very nearly guarantee, that he will respond by physically punishing his child. Where is the love and justice in creating these situations that are beyond the ability of a young child to understand and then in punishing the child for transgressing what he does not understand?Third, I am concerned by the arbitrary nature of Pearl's training. This technique of introducing some kind of a desirable object to your child and then keeping him from it is necessarily arbitrary. While it may teach your children to instantly and completely obey their parents, it may also train them that their parents will place arbitrary demands upon them, that obedience is merely a matter of mollifying the irrational demands of a higher authority. This will necessarily eventually impact the way they understand God's demands upon us.Fourth, what Pearl refers to as training can as easily be labeled conditioning. In fact, his training perfectly fits Mirriam-Webster's definition of conditioning: "A simple form of learning involving the formation, strengthening, or weakening of an association between a stimulus and a response." Meanwhile Pearl says, "Training doesn't necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the dangers of city streets, shouldn't a parent expect more out of an intelligent child?" Between the book's introduction and first chapter, Pearl has compared children with mice, rats, horses, mules and dogs. This shows that he advocates no moral dimension to his training; rather, he advocates a technique that will bring about instant obedience of the mind and body but without reference to the heart. The problem, of course, is that children are not animals and are far more complex and spiritual than animals.Most Christians have understood Proverbs 22:6 to include a moral dimension, moral training that will in turn lead to behavior training. Yet Pearl believes the exact opposite, that it demands only behavior modification which will later lead to moral improvement. To understand why, we need to look to his understanding of human nature. This is where we really begin to see how his underlying theology shapes his child-raising technique; this is where we begin to see that his theology is probably very, very different from your own. I will turn there as this review continues and concludes tomorrow. _____________________________________________________Consider this a short appendix. Pearl’s training technique may seem a little bit abstract in the absence of clear examples (of which there are multitudes in the book), so I will provide one of them; I hope it will show that I am fairly representing what Pearl advocates and highlight each of my four concerns. He relays an example in which his wife interacts with a pouty, fifteen-month-old infant. This is not her own child, but one she was determined to train while he was in her care (the Pearls will only watch other people’s children with the agreement that they may train them while they care for them.). Debi handed this child a roller skate and “took a moment to show him what fun it was to hold it upside down and turn the wheels.” Yet “with defiance, he turned his face away” at which point she “decided it was showdown time.” She picked up a switch, placed the skate in front of him and “gently and playfully said, ‘Turn the wheels.” He refused. She told him again and again he defied. “This time, being assured he fully understood it to be a command, she placed his hand on the wheels, repeated the command, and when no obedience followed, she switched his leg.” This pattern of defiance followed by switching was repeated ten times until he surrendered his will to hers and began to roll the wheel. “A few minutes later she noticed he was turning the wheels and laughing with the other children, with whom he had previously shown only disdain. The surly attitude was all gone. In its place was contentment, thankfulness, and a fellowship with his peers. The ‘rod’ had lived up to its Biblical promise.”Part IIYesterday I began to look at Michael Pearl’s To Train Up a Child. My interest in this book is based in part on its popularity and in part on the way in which it very clearly highlights how faulty foundational beliefs will lead to faulty actions. In the first part of the review I showed that Pearl advocates a particular method of training children and that he distinguishes this training from discipline. Today I want to show you that much of his technique flows out of his denial of a key Christian doctrine.The Innocent ChildPearl denies the doctrine of original sin and thus believes that children have no need to be justified and, further, until they are older cannot be justified. This puts him radically at odds with the vast majority of Evangelical Christians. Let me show you what he denies and what he believes in its place.As Pearl lays the groundwork for the book, he says that his training is a reflection of the way God trains his people. He goes to the Garden of Eden and says that this was God's training ground for humanity. "When God wanted to 'train' his first two children not to touch, He did not place the forbidden object out of their reach. Instead, He placed the 'tree of the knowledge of good and evil' in 'the midst of the garden' (Gen. 3:3)." He teaches that the tree was located in the middle of the garden so that it would be a constant temptation; with more visibility would come more opportunity for training by temptation. It was a "moral factory" meant to produce character.It was the language of “training ground” along with some other scattered words and phrases that made me begin to wonder what Pearl believes about the spiritual state of children. I visited his web site’s "What We Believe" section to find important clarifying information. There he says,We believe that man was created in the span of a twenty-four hour period. He was created perfect physically and constitutionally, including the moral and spiritual essence. Man, though complete and entire, wanting nothing, was, in his innocence, without character. The tree of knowledge of good and evil, a moral testing ground, was, in the wisdom of God, the perfect opportunity for spiritual development. The natural constitution of man (desire for food, etc.) became the basis for temptation. In the eating of the tree, the willful and direct disobedience to God resulted in legal estrangement from God and precipitated the curse of death on Adam and all his descendants.He holds, then, that Adam and Eve were created sinless but with unformed character. The purpose of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was to test them and provide them a context for spiritual development. The statement of faith goes on to say this: "When a descendant of Adam reaches a level of moral understanding (sometime in his youth) he becomes fully, personally accountable to God and has sin imputed to him, resulting in the peril of eternal damnation" and later, "When man reaches his state of moral accountability, and, by virtue of his personal transgression, becomes blameworthy, his only hope is a work of grace by God alone."This brings all kinds of clarity to his training technique. He believes that children are born sinless and unformed just as Adam and Eve were. Their younger years are a context for spiritual development that allows the parents to train them for when they become personally accountable to God somewhere around their early teens. Any "bad" things they do in these early years are not actually sinful since they are not truly opposed to God. They are still bad, but only as measured against a standard lower than God's. Supposing that the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was placed in the Garden as a test that would provide Adam and Eve a context for spiritual development, and seeing that they fell after facing a temptation that appealed to their natural constitution, he encourages parents to do the very same thing, to create a moral testing ground and to face children with what most naturally appeals to them.According to the implications of what Pearl believes about a child's spiritual state, your task as a parent is to condition your child to avoid behaviors that will be sin once he is able to sin. You form him in this pre-sin state to sin as seldom as possible once he is actually able to sin and place himself under God's judgment. Training is what a parent does until the child develops that moral understanding that then makes him personally, spiritually accountable to God.I did a little bit of digging and found a very helpful analysis of Pearl's teaching through the book of Romans. In that series he makes it clear what is implied in the book--that he does not believe in original sin, which is to say, he does not believe that children are born into this world with a sinful nature. When he says that the curse was precipitated upon Adam and his descendants, he is referring only to physical death; Adam has passed death to his descendants, but not sin. Therefore children are born into this world unformed, sinless and unaccountable to God, at least until they mature. This all differs radically from what the Bible teaches--that Adam's sin is imputed to every one of us so that each one of us is born into this world in a fallen state and as a rebel against God.Why do I belabor this point? Not only because Pearl denies what the vast majority of Evangelical Christians hold to, always something to make note of, but because this unbiblical belief is absolutely foundational to his child-rearing technique. The technique he teaches reflects this unbiblical view of humanity's sinfulness. Understand this: If you heed Pearl's counsel, you are following a technique that denies the sinfulness of your children and their need to be justified by the work of Christ. It passes by their hearts in order to condition their behavior.At this point we have seen that Pearl wants parents to train their children and we've seen that this comes in the context of children who are not yet morally accountable. Yet children are not perfect; after all, they disobey their parents. What is to be done with a disobedient child? Pearl teaches that disobedience necessitates the rod of correction, yet he holds that the rod is not merely corrective but also redemptive.The Redemptive RodThough according to Pearl young children are not morally accountable before God, this does not exempt them from guilt. Guilt is the consequence that comes when someone sees how he has failed to live up to a certain standard and "judges himself to be worthy of blame." Pearl describes it well as "the soul's pain ... designed to give us warning, and a strong signal to change our action." Guilt does more than make us feel emotion--it also cries out for a response: "The guilt-burdened soul cries out for the lashes and nails of justice. That is why the soul of man never rests until the conscience has been purged by a believing look at the bleeding, crucified Lamb. ... Christians find release from the guilt through the Savior who suffered the curse of their sins..."Well and good as it pertains to adults, but what of children who, by Pearl's understanding of human nature, cannot be Christians until they have reached the necessary level of moral accountability. They will still feel guilt, but there is a problem: Guilt "is never in itself restorative." Children will feel guilt for the actions that have defied their parents and will want to be absolved of that sin. But they "cannot yet understand that the Creator has been lashed and nailed in their place." Since there is no gospel of Christ's death and resurrection for children, Pearl teaches the gospel of the father's rod. "Parents need not wait until their children are old enough to understand the vicarious death of Christ to purge their children of guilt. God has provided parents with a tool to cleanse their children of guilt--the rod of correction." When your child does something wrong, you are to "Let the guilt come, and while the child is yet too young to understand, purge his guilt by means of the rod." To drive the point home, he says it again: "Parents hold in their hands (in the form of a little switch) the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve, and give him a fresh start through a confidence that all indebtedness is paid in full." Speaking specifically to fathers he says, "A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment."Do you see what he has done here? He has taken all the language of the gospel and applied it to a parent's spanking. A parent who strikes his child with a rod removes the child's guilt, cleanses his soul, instructs and strengthens him, and gives him assurance that his debt has been paid. Here is where Pearl's child-rearing technique comes home to roost. Now we see whipping as something that takes the place of the cross. Now we demand that a child satisfies for his own sin. Instead of teaching a child that he is a sinner in desperate need of God's grace, we are to teach the child that by inflicting a measure of pain on his backside we have cleansed him of his sin and absolved him from all guilt. We have taught him that sin demands atonement and we have taught him that his own suffering can atone for that sin. But all the while we have missed the far greater opportunity of teaching the child that he cannot atone for his sin, that his sin is too great for him to pay for even with an eternity of suffering. And we have missed the golden opportunity to point him to the One who has suffered for him, who has satisfied God's just demands, and who is so willing to trade his goodness for that child's badness. What Pearl teaches is the very opposite of the Bible's good news. And all of this because of the denial of the child’s fallenness and moral corruption.ConclusionThere is much more that could be said about this book. Let's be clear that it is not all bad. Pearl shares some things--many things--that are both practically useful and biblically accurate. Many Christians read the book, apply those good parts, and ignore the rest. But the fact remains that the weight of the book is driven by an unbiblical view of human nature which in turn leads to the wrong emphases. In place of the gracious, loving mercy of gospel is the harsh justice of law.In this way To Train Up a Child is the very opposite of books that encourage you to pursue your child's heart, that teach that "the heart is the heart of the matter." In Pearl's view there is no heart to get to--not yet. For now there is the conditioning of poor behavior, the administration of the rod, and the purging of sin through a child’s pain. Would you like an alternative? I would encourage you to pick up William Farley’s Gospel-Powered Parenting (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1596381353/). It will show from the Bible how the gospel of grace shapes and transforms parenting. -
近年来 北美由于学习PEARL夫妇教养孩童书籍而导致儿童被殴打致死事件有三起。这是其中之一。PEARL夫妇明文鼓吹用棍棒 皮带 甚至浇花水管打孩子。当事者七岁，被殴打超过七小时后身亡，期间其父母还停下来，按照PEARL夫妇的教导与孩子一起祷告。呵呵呵，呵呵呵 求别再引进这二位的书了！JamieMay 4, 2013 at 2:25 pm The Pearls advocate to spank until a child submits. They advocate to show no mercy. Lydia Schatz was beaten to death over a period of 7 hours. The parents took breaks to pray with Lydia. This is the type of methodical spanking described in Pearl’s book, although he himself probably has more sense than to continue this for hours. That’s why these materials are dangerous. They probably weren’t frothing at the mouth while beating her to death. They probably thought they were guiding her towards righteousness. I have read Pearl’s book and I wish I could cleanse my head of it. I like someone’s quote from above – creating a works-based religion and micro-managing children into heaven. The law of grace is the New Testament law. It’s a law, not an option or an idea. So people who are whipping and punishing their children mercilessly to guide them to righteousness are ironically, breaking the New Testament law of grace. I suppose they will answer for it one day.TealRoseApr 22, 2013 at 9:04 pm Having read their book online – I was shocked, sickenend and angered by the Pearls! It’s a book on ‘How to abuse your child – physically and mentally’ and if it were written with say elders instead of the increasingly insignificant and irritatingly annoying children in mind, despite ‘Freedom of Speech’ their books would never have been allowed out in print – and now should be withdrawn and burned. They are most definitely NOT Christian or ‘Biblical’ !! I think Mr Merritt was rather MORE charitible than he could have been !整本书里弥漫着强烈的行为主义色彩。只要行为矫正了就算OK，没有心、灵、关系什么事。大力鼓吹所谓的“一次性服从”（First-Time Obedience），就是父母下令，孩子就要说一不二地执行（不能数一二三什么的），不然就打，打了就好了。他们声称这与上帝对待他儿女的方式是一致的（书中充满这类惊悚的解经），说这样可以训练他成为一个尊重权威并且由此而易于顺服上帝的人。Really？确定不是训狗？（不过PEARL在文中确实直接将训孩子与训狗类比了，以及老鼠，小白鼠，马，驴。"Training doesn't necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the dangers of city streets, shouldn't a parent expect more out of an intelligent child?" 呵呵后）求别再黑上帝了。其一，这不是上帝对待他儿女的方式。其二，你不是上帝。最可怕的是，PEARL还使你相信，你在这样打的时候并不是在“管教”或“惩罚”孩子，只是在“调适”他们，“训练”他们。带着这种确信，上述惨剧一再发生，就不足为奇了。还以十分正常的叙述性语气举出了一些他们如何“训练”的例子，我的感受与上述英文短评作者一样——不寒而栗，想烧书。Homeschooling这个词都要被他们毁了，这么萌的词现在却与某种邪恶的威权主义亚文化划上了等号。"A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment." REALLY？呵呵呵。。我可不想把我的孩子养成M。。————————————————其妻DEBI PEARL关于家庭和夫妻问题的书《妻子，荣耀的帮助者》在大陆相当流行，但在北美却一直争议不断，且颇有恶名。无奈大陆家教对英语出版界的消息不甚畅通。编译自美国著名改革宗博客 Tim Challies的相关书评请参见：http://book.douban.com/review/5934273/ -
市面上有许多教育小孩子的书籍，但是大部分都是方法论，对做法其中的原因解释不明，对于本身就缺乏爱心和信仰支撑的父母来说根本不可行。这本书在阐述一个简单的道理，父母要管教孩子让他们学会顺服并远离罪恶，其中不错的一点就是作者没有简单列举该怎么教训孩子或者打孩子，而是结合圣经的教训让人明白背后的道理。还有一点不错的是作者提出的训练计划，提醒家长不要等到孩子变得顽劣才举起棍棒，要注重培养孩子的信仰。
精彩短评 (总计101条)
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如果早点读这本书就好了.从几个月就开始训练最好了.父母要执行好神给的管教的任务.感谢神! -
优秀是这样训练出来的....学习吧 -
读了正文，才真正的明白我以前其实并不懂得对孩子“训练”一词是什么，也更是感到有目的有方法有指导的“训练”孩子多重要。我以前以为只有动物才需要用训练，孩子需要培养，真的很受益！ -
同事送了我一本《优秀是这样训练出来的》看了之后对训练孩子很有帮助，当我不再带着怒气管教他时，被管教后他真的变得更快乐！这本书真的给我的家庭很大帮助！所以又买了几本送给有需要的人！ -
挺有用 -
每个孩子都需要父母的训练和教导 -
教养孩童，使他走当行的路，就是到老也不偏离 -
《优秀是这样训练出来的》是一本很实用的书，特别是对刚刚有孩子的父母而言。我的孩子已经十岁了，用了书中所讲的方法最近也有一些效果 -
父母必须按照正确的方法训练和培养孩子，而不是按着自己以为正确的方式或是自己喜欢的方法教育孩子。 -
训练优秀的孩子必备的参考，让孩子成才的秘籍，推荐给新爸爸、新妈妈好好读读。 -
孩子不是父母的私有品，书中按照圣经的教训教导训练孩子成为优秀有纪律的人。 -
做为个人来讲，我喜欢迈克尔和黛比写的书。做为一个基督徒，觉得此书对教导孩子很有帮助。“我听见我的儿女们按真理而行，我的喜乐就没有比这个大的。”封面上的这句话做为我的感想。 -
如果你初为人父母，想你的孩子优秀，请读这本书吧。 -
买了好几本这个作者的书，对我很有触动，希望能按照作者的本意去培训孩子，长成天父希望的那样，祝福天下的父母都能从中受益 -
对于孩子我们都希望自己的孩子是优秀的，但是优秀不是偶然发生的，充满智慧地训练孩子使得他们有更美好的未来。 -
这是一本非常好的书，实用性非常强，用过之后，立竿见影，孩子立时有改变。您要想拥有一个听话的优秀的好孩子，赶紧买这本书来读，不然会后悔的。赶快行动吧！请记住书名是《优秀是这样训练出来的》。 -
对教育孩子很有帮助，尤其是新手爸爸妈妈，谁都希望自己的孩子好，可是并不是所有的爸爸妈妈都会做家长，只有方法对了才会事半功倍，孩子都是好孩子，就看家长怎样带了 -
管教的学问需要学习一下 -
帮助者系列的作者夫妇合著的一本教育儿女的书籍，非常实用的一本好书，我至少买过20本推荐给朋友们，他们看完都赞不绝口，如今我又下单10本。这个价格能买到这么好的书，超值了，你别犹豫了！ -
这本书很教的管教的内容适合宝宝两岁前，让宝宝知道要听话，听父母的话，孩子就要从出生开始管，大了，不管是几岁再管，对宝宝都是不公平的，让孩子从小就养成听话的习惯很好，受用终生，但推荐和《小鬼跷家》同读，找到管教与爱的平衡。 -
真的很好，每天用来训练孩子 -
本书中教养孩子大量的事例都是我们身边的朋友分享的，如果不是朋友们大胆地将这些家庭的秘密告诉我们，就不会有《优秀是这样训练出来的》的出版。出版《优秀是这样训练出来的》的目的，就是要让所有的父母知道训练孩子的秘诀，让所有的孩子知道父母教养他们所付出的辛劳与意义，从而学会感恩。
在这里，我要对所有名叫强尼的孩子说声抱歉，用这个名字是为了隐去其他孩子的真实姓名。 -
很好的一本书，值得看！ -
虽然作者是从圣经的观点来分享如何管教，训练孩子，但是非常有智慧。今天中国的父母正需要这样的智慧。无论你是否相信基督教这本书都可以使你受益匪浅。 -
这本书值得所有做家长的阅读，怎么样去教育和培养自己的孩子？很好的一本书，也是别人推荐购买的。 -
从圣经角度教导如何训练和管教10岁前的孩子，家长如果有爱，有权柄管教孩子，孩子是会听的 -
家庭教育 基督教教育 儿童训练者 幼儿教育 -
很值得一读的书，在帮助孩子成长的过程，也让我们自己成熟成长。 -
展卷而读，《妻子，荣耀的帮助者》让妻子们思考自己的定位、职分，在夫妻关系中，如何发挥帮助者的作用。和朋友们分享此书，大家从中得到了很多的启发与帮助。 所以，又从网上购买，送给身边的朋友们！ -
已经买了第N次了，推荐给身边凡是有孩子的朋友们，大家都一直称赞这的确是一本好书！ -
孩子的习惯品行都是越小的时候训练，效果越好。希望看了对训练孩子有帮助！ -
或许现在思想里都是给孩子自由，让孩子决定；
但当我读到本书的时候，真的完全让我又想起来曾经父母的的管教，
那个“杖”是上帝托付父母给我们的爱，受益终生 -
之前就已经买过一本，自己看了，非常好，所以又决定再买8本送给朋友们做圣诞礼物。
非常好的书，帮助父母们知道怎么样去管教自己的孩子。 -
常常在爱孩子和管教孩子之间徘徊和纠结，常常无从下手、感到束手无策，我想有孩子的父母都会经历我这种无力感，看完这本书后，我知道该怎么去做，最重要的是我知道在爱中责打孩子是与他有益，我不再跟从别人的育儿观念走，知道自己做的正确的我的心就很安慰，很喜乐…… -
朋友和他的孩子都很爱读书，买来读读！ -
将圣经中神话语通过生命的经历，对读者一一展现出来，真是非常棒非常感人的分享。 孩子是耶和华的产业，是神恩赐的礼物，我们有责任做好父母，带领孩子走当行的路，就是到老也不偏离。 对我们来说，感谢主，感谢作者姊妹一家，我们刚好经历到孩子教育的起步，的确比较迷茫，现在的社会环境和学校环境，教育环境都是很糟糕的，当然只有更糟糕没有最糟糕，呵呵。 我们该如何应对，该如何将孩子带到正确的道路上去，建立良好的品格，这本书会是非常有用的操作手册，当然这本书是建立在神的话语之上的，没有信仰的基础是没有办法做出来的。 谢谢神的恩典，在合适的时候有合适的帮助出现，万事互相效力叫爱神的人得益处！ -
很好，学习如何教育和训练孩子 -
很好，让我们有了训练孩子的意识及方法 -
这本书可以说是我有孩子这几年来最重要的一本书！非常感谢有这本书的存在，感谢上帝可以在正确的时间读到这本正确的书！ -
改书问题太多，把孩子当成了一只狗来训练，太过分，不推荐 -
非常好的书按照圣经原则来管教孩子。 -
看了一部分，感觉跟我们平时做的差太远了，我们是溺爱了吗？真希望可以向书中说的那样，可惜孩子已经长大了 -
原则非常的好，但更重要的是做父母的必须要求孩子的时候，首先做到了在要求孩子。 -
刚看完《妻子，荣耀的帮助者》，很棒！让我的生活更加精彩，更加有意义！找到了人生的方向和目标！喜乐中！ -
书很不错，质量也好！优秀孩子的背后需要智慧父母的引导。很适合父母看的书。 -
非常好的书，对于新父亲、母亲绝对是一本值得学习的好书，早点学习更好，懂得预备成为优秀的父母。 -
与市场上形形色色的教育孩子的书籍不同，这是一本培养孩子品格的书而不是类似“不要输在起跑线上”的功利书，好的土壤才能长出好的树木结出丰硕的果实，本书就是帮助我们把孩子培养成为优良的土壤。 -
如果你想要一个优秀的孩子，必读 -
孩子从小就知道如何训练，如何训练，训练的理念是什么这里说的很清楚，值得反复读一读，买了好多送好友了 -
很喜欢珀尔的书，让上帝的孩子活得更像他！ -
非常棒的非常棒黛比和迈克尔的书，非常棒 -
知道该如何教育子女，真是“我听见我的儿女们按真理而行，我的喜乐就没有比这个大 的”。我们真是管教孩子就是教育孩子 -
一位朋友告诉我这本书太适合她了，她刚怀上宝宝，对以后教育孩子很有帮助，感谢神 -
孩子现已长大，如果从幼儿就参照书中的道理会让孩子更优秀。 -
我听见我的儿女们按真理而行，我的喜乐就没有比这个大的。
此书对每一个父母来说，值得一读！ -
若你想你的孩子优秀，就多看看这方面的书吧。这是基督徒写的书，建议认真看看。感谢上帝 -
总有一天你的孩子必要独自面对那树，
也必吃那禁果。父母所能做的是使孩子
在“吃了禁果”之后能够承担后果。面
对后果，孩子会选择遮羞，还是上帝的
救赎？对于罪，孩子会选择遮掩还是选
择悔改？教育的目标，不是培养不犯罪
或少犯罪的圣洁人士，而是培养出能够
快速转向神的悔改者和归正者。 -
我一个姊妹有个非常靓仔的儿子，2岁半了，已经会跑了。可是他儿子令她非常头疼，特别是出门就要让妈妈抱的要求。不管妈妈是穿着高跟鞋还是抱着电脑去维修，也不管那路有多长，不抱就狠哭。当我将《优秀是这样训练出来的》（迈克尔·珀尔 黛比·珀尔著）看了第一章后，我立刻想起她，然后让她看，一起讨论该怎么改正孩子的这个习惯。
一星期后，她告诉我，她终于可以不用抱着会走路的儿子走路了:) -
原版的《To Train Up A Child》是本好书，可是这个中文译本译得实在垃圾。 -
细致描述如何认知孩子的需求 训练 引导 真正平等相处带来和谐 -
看了一半，很值得购买和推荐的书，对于宝宝从小的教育有很好的指导性作用，无论是不是基督徒都值得推荐的。可以在这个复杂的社会，帮助孩子有一颗健康的心灵，需要父母的努力。 -
如果你是个基督徒，那这本书肯定你肯定会很喜欢，因为作者是个虔诚的基督徒，文中处处引用圣经的章节。如果你不是基督徒，也没关系，里面的很多实例也可以让你很直观地理解作者的观点。总之是本育儿的好书，最令我印象深刻的是关于“打屁股”，和很多专家不提倡打孩子不同，作者深入讲解了打孩子屁股的必要性、前提条件、心态和目的，也就是说打屁股更多不是惩罚，而是“训练”，训练孩子懂规矩、懂顺服，尤其是对三岁以内的孩子是非常管用的，而且，孩子越小训练将来就越懂规矩。还有很重要的一点就是大人的心态，大人不能在心情不好或发脾气的时候打孩子，要非常清楚地知道自己是在教育孩子不是在撒气，而且打的时候不能用手要找个小棍子之类的东西，打之前要告诉孩子为什么打他，打的时候要轻重适宜，要慢，让孩子印象深刻，这么具有操作性的打屁股手册还真是第一次看到。其实作者遵循的教子原则就是圣经中的教育原则，又结合他们自己养育五个孩子的实际操练经验，所以是本值得买来好好看的好书。 -
适合刚做父母的认真阅读，看看什么叫真正的优秀 -
现在的孩子不好教育，所以父母需要好好学习一下怎么管教孩子！ -
优秀是这样训练出来的，很好的一本书哦 -
这是本基督徒写的书，但里面有许多适合家长们来教育训练孩子，有《圣经》里的经句，不过有解释，也适合普通人看。非常不错。但训练孩子一定要坚持。也买了本送人。 -
爱孩子就当认识什么才是真实的爱，家长的己意做法和传统的教育真的是为孩子好吗？作为家长我们是不是该改变一下，学习一下呢。推荐这本书给你。 -
大喜乐机构创办人夫妇的书，喜欢。 -
关于如何训练孩子的书，怎么“打”孩子 -
教育孩子，我们总以为孩子不听话时对他大声吼叫就可以喝止他的行为，岂知这样不但没有效果，反倒使孩子也养成了大喊大叫的习惯！平静而温柔地看着孩子的眼睛，对他说不，不仅可以制止他的不良行为，同时也让他学会了解决冲突的方法——平和地讲道理。这书才看到开关十几页，就马上把它推荐给弟媳看了。正确的教育，越早开始越好！ -
之前看过同一作者的另外一本书--妻子，荣耀的帮助者 很得帮助。相信这本书同样精彩，虽然还没有孩子，但先备下以便将来不时之需。 -
做父母的和老师值得读一读！优秀是要训练的！ -
婚前看过一遍，觉得好，但没实践过，打算以后有孩子了再好好看两篇。 -
看了此书,感觉优秀真是可以训练的,最好是从小就养成好的习惯. -
爱你的孩子就该如此教育他，这样即使他长大了，他会是个让你放心的人，不会让你感到羞耻的人。 -
您这是教人信教的 -
非常棒的一本书，从上帝的爱的角度解读孩子的性格特点，为家长找到方向。很多朋友看后都要再买一本留着再看。 -
优秀孩子真的可以训练出来吗？ -
《妻子，荣耀的帮助者》夫妻写的教养孩子的书，很好。孩子要训练的。 -
很好地知道如何引领孩子成为优秀 -
优秀是这样训练出来的 -
受益匪浅，强烈推荐，对教养孩童很有帮助，买了好几本送人了 -
孩子也可以训练，而且很多训练是从小开始效果才好，书中有详细的记录和方法，很遗憾我没有一开始带孩子就看到这本书~ -
对于将来教养孩子，训练那位是非常有用的 -
按着圣经的教导来教养孩子，到老都偏离 -
优秀是这样训练出来的，之前孩子有很多坏习惯，现在改善中 -
这本书是帮朋友买的，朋友强力推荐，连同《小鬼跷家》一共各买了4本。我相信只要用心去品味，书中自有黄金屋。而且，两本书作为一套送给周围的关注家庭、关注教育、关注孩子成长的朋友，他们一定会受益匪浅。 -
很好的育儿书，特别对基督徒家庭来说，按照圣经原则教导孩童走正路是父母的责任 -
非常棒！值得好好读，在家长孩子生命中不断操练！ -
珀尔夫妇的书非常值得阅读，神的恩典充满他们和他们的话语。
对于从小训练孩子有规矩有德行，这是一本好书 -
讲解了帮助孩子成长的过程以及怎样更好的帮助孩子，家长们都读吧。 -
对于这种“条件反射”式的训练心存抵触，对于作者是否过度训练顺服心存怀疑，对于豆瓣书评里那个案件心存战兢……草草翻了一遍…… -
本来是凑运费买的，但看了之后觉得这种教育孩子的方法很有效，不是教你棍棒出孝子，而是用合理的方法让孩子懂规矩，强烈推荐给年轻的父母们 -
这是一本很值得读的书，不管是有孩子的父母，还是带学生的老师。会得到不少的益处。 -
如果家长能早点儿知道训练孩子的重要性和方法，就不会出现那么多的问题儿童和伤心父母。现代的教育理念总是要强调培养孩子的个性，不要压抑天性，但其实出现问题的真正所在却是孩子失于教养。教养即是训练，缺乏训练的孩子不知道该把精力放在哪里，往往左冲右突成了问题儿童，长大再纠偏就麻烦太多了。而真正训练有素的孩子却不会为与规矩抗争而浪费精力和感情，这样的孩子才会更快乐更健康地成长。
力荐给所有家长。 -
适合主内朋友想按圣经原则养育孩子的参考书 -
我很庆幸可以读到这么好的书,对于我教育孩子非常有帮助. -
一开始是朋友推荐看的，看了一遍后，用里面的方法教自己的孩子和学生，感觉非常的奏效。就**当来买了一本，有空就重新复习再看。才发现，以前一直崇尚和以为外国的教育就是民主式的，和孩子的关系就是朋友式的，也原来对我们所谓的中国传统教育有点恨恨的，可是看了书后，才醒悟，其实无论是中国还是外国，回到教育的最初都是相同的，权柄在家庭教育中都是坚不可摧的地位，如果家庭教育里没有了权柄，就没有了方向。 -
本书基于基督教的信念上介绍了很多训练孩子顺服，守规矩，有纪律的案例，非常实用，尤其适合幼儿的家长阅读。一口气买了几本送朋友。非常喜欢迈克尔的书。 -
朋友推荐这本书，很实用的，试着训练出优秀的孩子吧！一直信任当当，图书品质没得说 -
非常受益的一本书:教养孩童使他走当行的路，就是到老也不偏离。
愚蒙迷住孩童的心，管教的杖能更好的传递长久真挚的爱